Zelda Messed Up
by Sugar Daddy
Summary: Yes, finally some more reviews! If you like this read The Super Mario Bros. Freaky Show!
1. The Pointless Nerf War

Zelda Messed Up  
  
By: Sugar High  
  
The first in my "Messed Up" series. I take ideas from other peoples stories and combine them with my own to make some pretty freaked up stories. There... I said it! So don't flame me I steal an idea from one of your fanfics!  
  
* * *  
  
Zelda Craziness, Part 1: The Nerf War  
  
(I know it's been done before, so read)  
  
Cut to a shot of Link, Zelda, Majora's Mask, and the Skull Kid standing around a table out in the middle of nowhere in Hyrule Field.  
  
Skull Kid: Okay wise guy, you called me up in the middle of my FAVORITE Mexican soap opera "El Toro Chalupa" to be precise, to bring me out in the middle of nowhere for a meeting of utmost importance... So this SURE AS HELL better be important!!!  
  
Announcer: JEEZ COOL IT!!!... (Looks around) Uh... Well...  
  
Skull Kid: Well WHAT!!!  
  
The announcer shoots the Skull Kid a bloodthirsty glare and then continues.  
  
Announcer: I have gathered here today, the best of the best, to compete in a Nerf tournament for no particular reason, it is just the setting for part one of this wacked up story. You will each be issued one of our "State of the art" single shot, semi automatic Nerf Guns with a 20-dart clip. Your mission is to eliminate your four opponents, one of which isn't here right now...  
  
* * *  
  
At Saria's house...  
  
Saria is sitting on her wood sofa, dressed in green pajamas, green socks, and a green nightcap, watching Sesame Street on her wood TV.  
  
Saria: Can ya tell me how ta get, how ta get to Sesame-a street! *Hmm... It seems that I had somewhere to go this morning... Ah heck. Must get my Sesame Street fix!*  
  
* * *  
  
Link: Saria, that lazy bum! I don't even know why I like her.  
  
Announcer: Well, we shall continue with out her!  
  
Zelda: Not that it makes a difference...  
  
Everyone grabs their gun off the table and loads it.  
  
Link: Aha! At last a chance to show my true heroism! [Click-Click!]  
  
Zelda: *Time to kick some lowlife butt!* [Click-Click]  
  
Skull Kid: *Mwe hee hee hee! What they DON'T know is that I am a Norf expert, it's the same as Nerf, but a rip-off brand! MWE HEE HEE HEE!* [Click-Click]  
  
Everyone is locked and loaded, except Majora's Mask who is circling around his gun trying to pick it up, but repeatedly fails. (Remember, he has no arms) So he just turns, teary eyed to the other three, starts blubbering, and then starts to cry.  
  
Majora's Mask: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!.... WAWUWAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Zelda: I never thought it would happen...  
  
Link: I traveled all the way to Terminia, risked my dear hiney countless times, collected 24 RIDICULOUS looking masks, 3/4 of them with no special powers what so ever, and almost got killed by this... this... This blubbering THING! By the way why did I go to Terminia in the first place... Oh yah, to find my annoying, loud mouth, "Partner"... (Shudders) Navi... (Shudders again) How STUPID does Nintendo think I am! What a retarded plot for one of the best and longest lasting video game series!  
  
Skull Kid: ... And to think I was possessed by THIS thing!  
  
Link: ALLLLLLLRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! Alright already......  
  
Majora's Mask: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!  
  
Link: SSSSSHHHHHHHAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUPPPPPP!!! SHADDUP!  
  
Majora's Mask: .......................  
  
Link: That's better... Now...  
  
Link whips some duct tape out of nowhere and proceeds to fasten the gun to the side of Majora's Mask.  
  
Link: .......... Aaaaaand DONE!  
  
Link then does a triumphant pose.  
  
Link: Now... Use this little spiny thing to fire, and this one to reload.  
  
Majora's mask then turns a few back flips and a 360 and does a great big smile.  
  
Majora's Mask: (Does his weird echoy laugh) [Click-Click]  
  
Skull Kid: I always wondered just HOW he does that laugh...  
  
Announcer: Now that we've got everything squared away, let's let the guns raise high and let the guts fly! HA HA HA!... Um... Nevermind...  
  
Everyone turns all sparkly and disappears, only to be teleported right back to their former positions around the table.  
  
Announcer: Oh... And I forgot to say... (Head grows really big and his teeth turn to fangs) NO CHEATING!!!  
  
Link: Gee... WE COULD NEVER HAVE FIGURED THAT ONE OUT!!!  
  
Announcer: Well Link... We've got the Skull kid over here who just LOOKS like a cheater.  
  
The four turn to the left to see the Skull Kid dipping his darts into a black bucket with a white skull and cross bones on it.  
  
Skull Kid: (Eyes still glued to what he is doing) Who me, I never cheat.  
  
Announcer: Right then... It only takes one dart to get your butt whipped, kicked, whomped, walloped whatever ya wanna call it, thus you being kicked out of the game.  
  
If you are shot out and then shoot another player that is not out, that player is not out.  
  
May the best man... Er... Women... Um... Thing... Yes... Thing win.. wait a sec...  
  
Before he could finish, the four are teleported from their positions and reappear in different positions. Zelda ends up on top of the lakeside scientists labratory, The Skull Kid and his bucket of acid toxins end up at the entrance to Gerudo Valley, Majora's Mask ends up in the middle of Lon Lon ranch, and Link, ironically, ends up in his house.  
  
Link: ........ Figures...... Well, at least I know this place all to well.  
  
Meanwhile, the Skull Kid has finished dipping most of his darts into the bucket of acid toxins and is now fashioning miniature rockets to the back of the rest of the darts.  
  
Skull Kid: Mwe hee hee! With extra rocket power, my darts will travel approximately 3.26784536 miles per hour faster! MWEE HEE HEE!!!  
  
Meanwhile, (again) Zelda has climbed down from the lakeside scientists house and is proceeding to raid the inside of his lab of food, treasure, and anything breakable to throw at the other competitors.  
  
Zelda: I want this and this and this and this and this and this and this and THIS!!!  
  
Zelda pulls out a fairly large glass ball with a dark greenish, yellowish liquid inside of it out of a drawer that is labeled "Lifes Work", on a white, sticky name tag like thing.  
  
Zelda: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!!! Pretty! *Dangerous!*  
  
Lake Side Scientist: Ah No! Me lifes work, gone in an instant... And I was gonna poison Lake Hylia wit dat, and evr'one would have ta pay me dearly fer de antidote! But no more...  
  
Zelda takes the stuff and beats it out of there.  
  
Lake Side Scientist: Wait, come back'ere!  
  
The Lake Side Scientist starts to run as best as he can after Zelda, but a loud SSNNAAPP! was heard.  
  
Lake Side Scientist: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!! MAH HIP!!! Uh!  
  
He then falls to the ground in a crumpled heap.  
  
Lake Side Scientist: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!! I must use mah scientific tools to stimulate the bone structure, then wit a scalpel, I cut de flesh away and then...  
  
And he dies.  
  
A few minutes pass and the first dart is fired, by Zelda, who is shooting at Link, who has just emerged from the oversized, hallow stump leading out of Kokiri Forest.  
  
Zelda: YAAAHHHHHH!  
  
About 16 darts come flying Links way, who's face is frozen in a look of pure terror. But to his surprise, the darts all come flying and stick to his shield, not one even touched him.  
  
Link: ............... Whew... (wipes his brow)  
  
Zelda hears something rustling in the bushes behind her, diverting her attention from Link for the moment, she turns just in time to see the Skull Kid Behind her, gun raised. With lightning quick instincts, she fired a dart, which was then followed up by the skull kid firing one of his miniature rocket darts. Both of the darts hit at what appears to be the exact same time. But upon closer inspection, the Skull Kids rocket dart saved the day by hitting Zelda 0.0000000001 seconds before being hit her dart, declaring an "after death shot" by Zelda.  
  
Anouncer: OH! That was a close call! Zelda is out but the Skull Kid is still in the game.  
  
Zelda: (whiny voice) No fair! (grumbles)  
  
Zelda then walks over to the bench that has just appeared out of nowhere and sits down.  
  
Suddenly Saria jumps in.  
  
Saria: So THIS is where I was supposed to be! HEY EVERYONE! I'M NEW HERE SO GO EASY ON ME!  
  
Within seconds Link has unloaded every dart that was on his shield onto the yelling Saria.  
  
Saria: (Whips out a stop watch(don't ask where she got it) and pushes a button) YAY!!! I actually stayed in for more that 3 seconds! I'll be a pro in no time!  
  
She then goes bench where the still dejected Zelda is sitting in a little ball with a frown on her face, and sits down.  
  
Saria: Hey Zelda what is up?!  
  
Zelda then pulls out the water poisoning glass ball from the Lake Side Scientists lab and throws it at her face, the ball in return shatters. Saria just stands there and lets some of the toxin dribble on to her tongue.  
  
Saria: Hmmm... Fruity, but bitter, could use some sug......  
  
Saria then dies right on the spot and falls to the ground.  
  
Zelda: AND GOOD RIDDANCE!!!  
  
While this has all happened, Link has been shot by the Skull Kids last dart.  
  
Skull Kid: (panting) You... are ou...gasp... out... fair... and square...  
  
Link walks over and sits on the bench.  
  
Skull Kid: That just leaves... (look of terror) Majora's Mask, EEK!  
  
(Start Flashback)  
  
* * *  
  
The Skull Kid was shooting his Norf gun at Majora's Mask in the Ikana Canyon.  
  
Skull Kid: COME BACK HERE!  
  
Majora's Mask is easily dodging the darts the Skull Kid is firing.  
  
Skull Kid: (Throws his Norf gun down and pulls out a Norf bazooka) OH YOU! TAKE THIS!  
  
(Close up of the Skull Kid pulling the trigger)  
  
The foam missile launches, but Majora's Mask just turns and spins like a sideways buzz saw into a nearby crack in the wall.  
  
Skull Kid: GODDAMNIT!  
  
* * *  
  
(End Flashback)  
  
Skull Kid: (Extremely low voice) Blast it... My Hopes... Dashed like a wimpy carp on the jagged teeth of reality... Boo hoo... And I LET him possess me... *WAIT!!! POSSESS!!! THAT'S IT!!!!*  
  
The Skull Kid then pulls an infa-red eyepiece scanner and looks around.  
  
Skull Kid: Not in the river... Or the Forest... Or anywhere near underground... Not in the far... Wait! There he is! Terrorizing the chickens! So THAT'S where he's been all this time!  
  
Majora's Mask is flying around Lon Lon ranch, where he has been all the time, happily terrorizing the chickens.  
  
Majora's Mask: (weird echoy laugh) (fires his gun a few times and hits a few chickens) (weird echoy laugh (again))  
  
Skull Kid: That laugh... It could only be... (close up of the skull kids face) Him...  
  
Majora's mask proceeds to terrorize the chickens and a franticly running Ingo and Malon, who are trying to save the chickens. Talon obviously isn't there because he is off sleeping somewhere. Lazy fart...  
  
Skull Kid: Ah HAH!  
  
The Skull kid jumps off Talon and Malon's house and tackles Majora's Mask to the ground. He then rips the Nerf gun off of the side of the temporarily subdued mask, shoves the mask on his face, turns the gun around and fires 5 darts towards his face. All 5 hit Majora's Mask, then the Skull Kid takes the mask off before it can totally possess him.  
  
Skull Kid: Ha Ha! Victory is mine!  
  
Ding! Ding! Ding!  
  
Announcer: And that's it! The Skull kid is the victor!  
  
Zelda/Link: Boo!  
  
Majora's Mask: (does his echoy scream)  
  
Announcer: So... If ya wanna be a poor sport... (Close up of his face) Then be one... He he he... Now... Would all the LOSERS please get your sorry hides over here before...  
  
Link: (Grabs announcer by the throat) WHATDAWANT!!!  
  
Announcer: (Breaks free) Well... As I was saying... All the LOSERS must be puni...  
  
Link/Zelda/Majora's Mask: (Heads grow really big, eyes turn red, and teeth turn into fangs)  
  
Announcer: Uh... All of the losers *happy now!?* must be punished for their stupidity... Link, you must surrender your Deku shield.  
  
Link: No problem-o, I have (whips a huge bark bag out of nowhere and opens it) twenty five of 'em. (Big grin)  
  
Announcer: 'kay... Zelda You must walk around with no makeup, un washed hair, and wearing these rags for the rest of the day.  
  
Zelda: (Faints)  
  
Announcer: And lastly Majora's Mask you must...  
  
Majora's Mask: (Eye's turn blood red and glares at the announcer)  
  
Announcer: Uh... Noth... Nothing. You do nothing.  
  
Majora's Mask: (Eye's turn back to normal and grins)  
  
Skull Kid: What about me?!  
  
Announcer: Oh, yes. Drum roll please!  
  
Skull Kid: No! No! No! Just gimme it! I don't want any of this mock suspense crap!  
  
Announcer: FINE! HERE! (Throws a large stack of $100 bills at the Skull Kid)  
  
Skull Kid: (Counting it) Fourteen... Carry the six... Add a hundred... No two hundred... Times four is... (Counting on his fingers) THAT'S ONLY A MILLION BUCKS!!! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SHIT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL!!!  
  
Announcer: ...FINE! HERE! TAKE IT AND GET OUTTA MY SIGHT!!! (Hands the Skull Kid a coupon)  
  
Skull Kid: ALRIGHT!!! THIS IS WHAT I CALL A PRIZE!!! THIS IS A $5 COUPON FOR STORBUCKS COFFEE SHOP!!! IT'S THE SAME AS STARBUCKS, BUT IT'S A RIPOFF BRAND!!! MWEE HEE HEE HEE!!! MWEE HEE HEE HEE!!! MWEE HEE HEE!!!!  
  
* * *  
  
End of Part 1  
  
Please R&R and tell me what else I should do a "Messed Up" fanfic for.  
  
Note: The "Norf Expert" thing was from SSJ4 Psycho Links "Zelda Nerf War" 


	2. The 4th of July: Complete with bloody fu...

Zelda Messed Up Part 2  
  
By: Sugar High  
  
Disclaimer: Do I really have to put anything here?  
  
* * *  
  
Part 2: The 4th of July  
  
* * *  
  
Off in some distant place totally irrelevant to the Nerf war they had in Part 1, Zelda and Link are in the middle of a street celebrating the fourth of July by lighting fireworks. Mido was there but is now in intensive care in the hospital due to stupidly lighting a M-80 in his hand.  
  
(Start flashback)  
  
* * *  
  
Mido: Hey guys! This little red thing looks like a stick of dynamite, except about one quarter the size!  
  
Zelda: NO SHIT DUMBASS! It's called an M-80! And it's one EIGHTH the size of a full stick!  
  
Mido: (Has already lit it) Wow... Look at the sparks...  
  
Just then the M-80 goes off sending a shock wave that knocks the unsuspecting Zelda off her feet, and taking the poor Midos hand with it. All that is left of his left hand is a ripped up bloody stump that is squirting blood out of it. The blood is splashing all over Midos pants and is pouring into a nearby gutter.  
  
Mido: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Faints from the pain)  
  
Zelda: Jesus Christ!!  
  
* * *  
  
(End flashback)  
  
Zelda: Man that Mido is a dumbass.  
  
Link: I know.  
  
Link and Zelda a making a card for mido, which is a white piece of paper, spotted with the blood from the road, which reads "Dear faggot, hope you die in hell". It shows a picture of a handless person with blood oozing out of the stump and with a forked tail and a tear in his eye.  
  
Link: That's really mean you know!  
  
Zelda drops it in the post box without even acknowledging what Link said.  
  
* * *  
  
Now link and Zelda are just about to light a few roman candles but they hear a retarded giggle coming from the bushes.  
  
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zelda: What?  
  
Link: IT'S HIM!!! IT'S...... TINGLE!!!!!!  
  
Zelda then lights one of the roman candles and aims it at the bushes and waits for it to fire a shot.  
  
Zelda: …  
  
Just then the candle fires and out of the bushes jumps a flaming Tingle, who jumps into a puddle of oil in an attempt to put himself out, but that just makes the fire bigger and then he blows up. He flys up into the air and lands in a nearby tree.  
  
* * *  
  
Zelda and Link are now firing bottle rockets out of a bottle. But the bottle tips over and a rocket fires into a near by tree, which just happens to be the one Tingle is sitting in drawing a map. This causes him to fall backwards and break his neck from the fall.  
  
After some bandaging, a neck brace and a lot of blood later, Tingle is *almost* as good as new.  
  
Tingle: Uhhhhhh… Damn it Link! What is your problem? Tingle is the coolest around! Why Tingle is the very reincarnation of a fairy!  
  
Link: Sorry, *NOT!!!* the bottle tipped over.  
  
Tingle: Uhhhhh… Fine I'll except that… But don't let it happen again… Uhhhhhh… My neck… Uhhhh…  
  
* * *  
  
Tingle is now sitting behind a nearby bush drawing where he can't get hurt. Or so he thinks…  
  
Zelda and Link are now lighting mortars. Tingle is quite enjoying the show, as it is now dark. But just as their biggest mortar is about to launch, a mole burrows up under the mortar launch tube, knocking it over. In which it just happens to face towards the bush where Tingle is sitting. The mortar launches, a loud explosion is heard, and sparks of every color fly everywhere, which is ruined by a battered Tingle flying from the bushes, his head disconnected from his shoulders.  
  
Tingles Head: Damnit Link! You said this shit wouldn't happen again!  
  
Link: HAHAHAHAHaHaHahahaha…… Um, sorry. (Big grin) You see, a mole tipped the launch tube over and…  
  
Tingles Head: (Eyes are blood red and has grown fangs) FINE! I WILL ACCEPT THAT!!! BUT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN, HEAR ME OUT LINK, I WILL KILL YOU!!!!!  
  
Link: Hehe. O.K.  
  
Tingles Head: (Has returned to normal) Thank you.  
  
* * *  
  
Some more bandage, some stitching, and another neck brace later, Tingles head is back on but Zelda and Link now think it's funny and are launching fireworks, throwing firecrackers, and lighting just about anything that will fly towards Tingle, but come up short and not hit him after all. Tingle who is drawing a map, as usual, is frequently getting distracted by the bangs, pows, and other assorted noises and eventually blows his top.  
  
Tingle: DAMNIT LINK, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP THE WITH THE BULLSHIT!!!  
  
Link: Fuck you!!! I'm gonna settle this with you once and for all!!! Stay right there you wannabe fairy!!! And I'll be back!!!  
  
Tingle: *Finally some peace and quiet.*  
  
But little did Tingle know that Link and Zelda were scheming a horrible plan…  
  
* * *  
  
Zelda and Link had now somehow magically appeared in Lake Hylia and were sitting on top of the dead tree on top of the water temple, draped in the invisibility cloak, the same one in the gay ass Harry Potter books, and were being followed by three enraged Harry Potter characters. These were none other than Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  
  
Harry Potter: (English accent) Blimey! Where did those filthy bastards go!  
  
Ron: (English accent) I don't fucking know! Why 'r you asking me?!  
  
Harry Potter: (English accent) Because I need that fucking cloak back! It's the only thing I have to remind me of my parents!  
  
Hermione: (English accent) Fuck your fucking parents! I am sick of your shit! It's always 'my parents' this and 'my parents' that, I'm sick of it! Time for you to die!  
  
Hermione then mumbles some irrelevant magic words and Harry drops dead.  
  
Ron: (English accent) Harry no! (Runs and kneels by his friends side) Hermione you bitch!  
  
Hermione: (English accent) Please Ron. Do I really have to kill you too?  
  
Ron: (English accent) Go ahead!  
  
Hermione: (English accent) Ok Ron, whatever you say… (Pulls out her wand) Headis Explodis!  
  
And Ron's head promptly explodes, showering Hermione with gallons of Ron's brains and blood.  
  
Hermione: (English accent) Damnit Ron! You ruined my new robe! Ah fuck it! Wandis Presto Gunis!  
  
Hermione's wand turns into a .45mm semi automatic handgun, in which she loads, raises to her head, and blows her brains out.  
  
Link and Zelda, who have been watching this gory and violent scene ponder this strange turn of events.  
  
Link: That was easier than I thought! They just killed each other! We didn't even have to do a thing!  
  
Zelda: I know! Now… Lets move on to part b of plan "Tingle get back at." hehehe.  
  
* * *  
  
Link and Zelda have broken into the Hyrule army surplus store and have just driven through of the large glass window at the front of the store in a brand spankin' new Warthog. (If you have ever player Halo for X-box, you'll know what I mean, if not, it's basically a long, convertible jeep with a slightly flexible midsection with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on the back.)  
  
Once they got back to their original location, Link and Zelda rolled a log up about twenty feet away from Tingle, who was drawing another map. They set up a slew of mortars, pointed at Tingle propped up by the log.  
  
Link: You ready Zelda?  
  
Zelda: Ya.  
  
Zelda then runs by with a blow torch, and lights all the wicks, then jumps in the warthog with Link. Link steps on the gas, which is promptly followed by a blood curdling scream by Tingle.  
  
Tingle: THATS IT LINK!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!  
  
Suddenly, a huge, bulky robot rises out of the background.  
  
Tingle: (On an intercom) HA! HA! LINK! DESPITE EVERYTHING, THERE IS NO WAY YOU'LL TRASH MY ROBOT!!!!! YOU'LL NEVER FIND ITS WEAK POINT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zelda turns around and sees a large sheet of glass, over on the left side, where a heart would be, illuminated by a bright light, Tingle clearly visible behind it. She jumps back and mans the 50-Calber machine gun, and fires at the glass. There is a loud scream and the robot blows up.  
  
Zelda: HAHA!!! We killed Tingle!!!! HAHA!!!!  
  
Link, then for no particular reason crashes the car and him and Zelda land with a thud on the ground.  
  
Link: ……………ow……………  
  
Zelda: You know what? I'm hungry.  
  
Link: I know! Why don't we go kill some zora's and shish-ka-bob em!  
  
Zelda: Good idea!  
  
Link pulls out his sword and him and Zelda go off looking for some zoras  
  
* * *  
  
End of Part 2  
  
Please R&R 


End file.
